Sunday, April 27, 2014

Salem: The Television Event of 3 AM

It was late. And by that, I mean, it was early. Very early. So early that the only people still awake were drunk, having sex, or watching Netflix. I was doing none of these things.

I was watching Hulu.

No one things straight at two in the morning when you're running on about five hours of sleep from the previous night and you're trapped in a small glass booth. You tend to make poor decisions like buying one dollar black magic books on Amazon, or giving more than a minute's thought to the fate of Shia Lebeouf. This particular evening I found myself in that strange part of Hulu between the 60's horror anthologies and the high budget shows about scruffy white dudes doing things. In my quest for something mindless to watch I came upon a show called Salem.

The description read as follows:

"As the wife of a wealthy but ailing town elder, Mary Sibley holds the distinction of being the most powerful sorceress in 1692 Salem. Ruthless, yet vulnerable, Mary leans on her ageless accomplish Tituba to help advance her supernatural agenda - but Mary's world is turned upside down when John Alden, her long lost love, finally returns home from years at war and starts asking questions that threaten to expose Mary's darkest secrets." 

Naturally, with a paragraph as deeply rooting in historical fact and analysis as this, I had to watch it.

It's produced by WGN America, and is, as far as I can tell, the only original program WGN America currently airs. It's plastered all over the channel's website, complete with a three-minute behind the scenes documentary that dares to ask the question "Was Salem Real?"

My immediate answer is yes. I've been there. I bought an iced coffee at the Dunkin Donuts. It had too much sugar.

But WGN America's answer is that "the story is fantasy, but the magic is real." What does that mean? Your guess is as good as mine. Currently, the pilot's the only thing up.

This is what I retained.

EXT. SALEM CENTRAL SQUARE PLACE - NIGHT

People are gathered around a large stage in the middle of the night. There's two people in stocks, and a very angry old Puritan guy with a whip and some hot irons. 


ANGRY OLD PURITAN
There's sin all over the place, and these two are all up in it! I'm going to brand it into their face because that's kind of what they did in the Scarlett Letter, right? 

The people in the crowd make vague loud noises that vary from enthusiastic cheering to gossipy whispers. The camera lingers on some CHICK IN BLACK, who isn't expressing an emotion beyond "I'm sexy, but I'm PURITAN sexy." 

Suddenly, a random SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE shoves his way through the crowd. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
Unrelated Bible Verse! 

ANGRY OLD PURITAN
Very wise. I smile at you, but in fact, I don't give a shit. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
But this is so cruel! 

ANGRY OLD PURITAN
So? We're Puritans! Burn them with hot pokers! 

He brands the two people in the stocks, and for some reason, despite having probably seen this kind of thing before and cheering for it moments earlier, the rest of the Puritans choose this particular moment to be all "Oh god, how cruel!" 

EXT. RANDOM PURITAN BUILDING - NIGHT

The aforementioned Chick in Black runs off toward some white building. It can be assumed that this is MARY SIBLEY because she is showing the appropriate level of hair and cleavage to be the female lead. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
I'm going to war. 

MARY SIBLEY
I'm thinking of signing a contract with the devil.

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
What? 

MARY SIBLEY
Never mind. 

EXT. SALEM CENTRAL SQUARE PLACE - DAY

Mary is walking with TITUBA, the only black person in Salem. 

ANGRY OLD PURITAN
Good day. Would you be interested in a confusing double entendre that hints at my knowledge of your sexual indiscretion? 

MARY SIBLEY
Not particularly. 

ANGRY OLD PURITAN
Well, here's one anyway. Puritan burn. 

TITUBA
Don't worry. We'll get him later. 

ANGRY OLD PURITAN
I'm sorry? 

TITUBA
Nothing. 

EXT. DARK WOODS - NIGHT

Tituba leads Mary through a dark, foreboding, and frantically edited forest. Occasionally, there are demons and flashbacks to sex happening. 

MARY SIBLEY
I'm suddenly not sure if I want to do this! 

TITUBA
Do you want to have a baby out of wedlock?

MARY SIBLEY
Not really. 

TITUBA
Then lie back and give yourself to the devil. 

She lies down, and Tituba starts spreading oil all over her. We get seemingly random flashes of demons and of the Scruffy White DUDE, who is now heavily implied to be the father of the baby. 

Mary starts screaming. Black goo stuff starts spreading all over her now mostly naked body. 

TITUBA
Let it inside you!

MARY SIBLEY
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS WHY WE NEED TO PROTECT ABORTION RIGHTS!!!!

Some confusing, poorly edited stuff happens. 

FADE TO BLACK

TEXT: SEVEN YEARS LATER

EXT. SALEM CENTRAL SQUARE PLACE - DAY

Scruffy White Dude, now looking significantly more scruffy, wanders slightly dazed into town. He looks up at a tree - there are three bodies hung there. He shakes his head. 

He wanders through town and we see a bunch of random people wandering around yelling about damnation and hell - basically, just your average day in a Puritan settlement. Eventually he comes across a house that, presumably, was once his. 

INT. SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE'S HOUSE - DAY

He wanders around the house with the same boring quality he had outside. It's sad, things are covered in sheets. 

Suddenly, a guy with a gun shows up. 

GILES COREY
Scruffy White Dude! You're back from the war! 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
I am! I thought I'd angst about it for a while. 

GILES COREY
Would you like some exposition? 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
Most certainly. 

GILES COREY
The Old Angry Puritan has been replaced by the possibly psychotic Cotton Mathers, everyone's extra scared of witches, and your ex-girlfriend married a sick, old, rich guy. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
This all makes me generically unhappy. 

GILES COREY
I thought it would. 

INT. SICK OLD RICH GUY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Mary Sibley is doing some evil needlepointing in her elaborate living room. Her husband, a practically comatose guy in a wheelchair, sits by her doing nothing. 

A guy who kind of looks like RORY from Doctor Who comes in. 

NOT-RORY
Mrs. Sibley, here are some packages. 

MARY SIBLEY
Ah, thank you. 

NOT-RORY
Also, your ex-boyfriend from the woods is back. 

MARY SIBLEY
Oh good. I think I'll not react at all. 

NOT-RORY
Very good, Mrs. Sibley. 

INT. SOMEBODY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

COTTON MATHERS, a guy who looks unnervingly like an insane, bearded Ben from Parks and Rec, is being led through some random guy's house to the bedroom of the guy's daughter. 

RANDOM GUY
She's flailing around like in the Exorcist! 

COTTON MATHERS
(gleefully)
Oh, yes. 

We're taken upstairs, where a teenage girl with lots of scars is, as mentioned, flailing around like in the Exorcist. 

COTTON MATHERS
WHO ARE THE WITCHES?!

POSSESSED GIRL
FL:KKGFJ:SOIGHGHGOISP"IJGDSLJGHGHOISGDOIHS

COTTON MATHERS
This is clearly a spectral attack. 

INT. MEETING HOUSE - DAY

It's a typical Puritan church service. 

COTTON MATHERS
We are sinners and there is sin and it's giving us a witch problem so we should KILL EVERYONE. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
As the generic male protagonist, I loudly disagree with you despite having been raised Puritan. 

COTTON MATHERS
Because you're the protagonist, and you just got back from the war, I'm not going to hang you for blasphemy. Church is dismissed!

Everyone gets up and shuffles for the back. Scruffy White Dude and Mary catch sight of each other and their sexual tension. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
You've become quite enigmatically evil since I left. 

MARY SILBEY
You should come to my house for dinner. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
THat sounds like a great idea. 

INT. SICK OLD RICH GUY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Mary is standing enigmatically on her balcony. She glares at something, then immediately strips off all her clothing and walks inside. 

Her sick, old husband is sitting in his wheelchair. She does something vaguely magical, and a frog comes out of his mouth. She smiles, and lets it suckle from her leg. 

MARY SILBEY
It's a good thing I took off all my clothes for this. How else would you know I'm evil? 

INT. SICK OLD RICH GUY'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

The most posh of the Puritans are sitting around for dinner. Scruffy White Dude is unnerved because he's "not posh" and he's sitting across from Mary. Next to him is SOME REDHEAD GIRL, who is young, but uncharacteristically adventurous for a Puritan. 

SOME REDHEAD GIRL
I bet you saw all kinds of interesting stuff at war! 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
French and Indians, mostly. 

RICH PURITAN LADY
Oh, those savages! 

SOME REDHEAD GIRL
They're not savages, Mother. You're so unenlightened. 

MARY SILBEY
Hey, Scruffy White Dude, what are you thinking about? 


Scruffy White Dude looks down at his pants and sees the Redhead fondling his junk. The Redhead then becomes Mary. It's weird. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
Um, I'm gonna go. 

EXT. SICK OLD RICH GUY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Scruffy White Dude is engaging in some late night angsting.

MARY SILBEY
I thought you were dead. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
That's no excuse! We're Puritan! Women aren't allowed to have fun. You know that. 

INT. RANDOM GUY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Cotton Mathers is still hanging out with the possessed chick. 

POSSESSED GIRL
:DSKLGJ:SOGIHGOIGF:SFG:LKJSDFG!!!

COTTON MATHERS
Sexy. 

He creepily strokes her leg and has a decidedly not safe for work flashback about sleeping with a hooker...or something. End scene. 

EXT. PATH IN THE WOODS - DAY

Scruffy White Dude has decided to leave. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
I'm going to leave!

NOT-RORY
Wait! You can't leave! I have to show you something! 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
Who are you?

NOT-RORY
I'm the guy from the stocks in the cold open. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
Oh. 

INT. SICK OLD RICH GUY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Tituba and Mary are hanging out in the bedroom, getting ready for the Sabbath. 

MARY SILBEY
You know, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this whole "witch" thing. 

TITUBA
This is literally the only interesting thing a woman can do here. 

MARY SILBEY
Fair enough. 

She lies down on the bed, much like she did in the woods, and Tituba again starts putting oil on her. 

TITUBA
"Here's some stuff about the Devil
He's totally on another level." 

MARY SILBEY
Word. 

Suddenly, Mary's eyes open, and she can see some really creepy stuff happening in the woods. 

EXT. CREEPY WOODS - NIGHT

Meanwhile, Not-Rory and Scruffy White Dude are watching all the crazy shit go down in the woods. This includes dove killing, people wandering around in live animal heads, black goo orgies, and fire. 

NOT-RORY
THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME! AHHHHHHH!!

CREEPY ANIMAL HEAD GUY
There's totally people watching us. 

They run away. 

INT. SICK OLD RICH GUY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Mary suddenly sits up. 

MARY SILBEY
The circle was broken! 

TITUBA
What circle?

MARY SILBEY
You know, the circle. 

TITUBA
It's always been more like a vague blob to me. 

MARY SILBEY
Well, whatever it is, it's broken. 

TITUBA
Fuck. 

INT. SICK OLD RICH GUY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Mary comes downstairs to find Giles Corey sitting in her living room. 

GILES COREY
I know what you did last summer. And I'm going to tell. 

MARY SILBEY
Why?

GILES COREY
Scruffy White Guy has a right to know that your dead child was his! 

MARY SILBEY
Did he face social exile for this kid? No. Was it inside of him? No. I'm going to get you. 


INT. SOMEBODY'S HOUSE - DAY

Cotton Mathers is still hanging out with the possessed chick. She's even more messed up than usual. 

COTTON MATHERS
WHO ARE THE WITCHES?! 

POSSESSED GIRLS
SDFSLK:JSDGL:JGHGSOISGJL I CAN'T TELL YOU! 

COTTON MATHERS
Then I hope you like leashes. 

EXT. SALEM TOWN SQUARE THING - DAY

It's normal day in the town square. All our central characters happen to be there. 

Suddenly, Cotton Mathers shows up with the Possessed Girl on a leash. This is not a joke. 

COTTON MATHERS
NOW! FIND THE WITCH! 

GILES COREY
What the fuck? 

POSSESSED GIRL
SNARL SNARL HISS HISS DSF:LFLKJGD:OGSI

The Possessed Girl freaks her way over towards Mary, who gives her a look that clearly says, "This is not the witch you're looking for" The girl then heads for Giles Corey. 

COTTON MATHERS
HE IS THE WITCH! 

GILES COREY
Wouldn't I be a warlock? 

COTTON MATHERS
HE'S A WITCH! 

EXT. OUTDOOR JAIL CELL - NIGHT

Giles Corey is locked up in a jail cell. Cotton Mathers is watching him, crazy like. Mary comes up behind him. 

GILES COREY
This sucks, I'm definitely not the witch. 

MARY SILBEY
I take it he's the witch. How disgusting.

COTTON MATHERS
Heee heee heeee. I think I'll stone him. 

MARY SILBEY
Sounds good to me. I hate witches. If you know what I mean. 

COTTON MATHERS
I don't. 

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

That random redhead chick from earlier in the episode is drawing in cemetery with Scruffy White Dude. 

SOME REDHEAD GIRL
They say that drawing and anything fun is idolatry. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
I'll show you idolatry

SOME REDHEAD GIRL
What? 

At that moment, Mary approaches the scene. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
I have to go. 

He leaves. But Mary comes closer. 

MARY SILBEY
Interesting place to draw. 

SOME REDHEAD GIRL
I have no fear of death! 

MARY SILBEY
Interesting. Have you ever considered the Devil?

SOME REDHEAD GIRL
What?

MARY SILBEY
Apparently not. 

EXT. SALEM TOWN SQUARE PLACE - NIGHT

Cotton Mathers drags Giles Corey through a screaming crowd of Puritans ready for a stoning. 

GILES COREY 
This is really ill-advised! 

COTTON MATHERS
Um, it's God-advised, thank you. 

The stoning begins. It's really violent and bloody. Suddenly, Scruffy White Dude appears. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
Giles! What are they doing to you?

GILES COREY
I believe they're stoning me. 

SCRUFFY WHITE DUDE
This is a travesty! I'm going to give an enlightened, boring, protagonist speech about why this is wrong! 

From her balcony, which is now inexplicably next to the square, Mary rolls her eyes. 

MARY SILBEY
I hate speeches. Also, I'm just now realizing my ex-lover might be kind of a problem. 

She turns and walks inside. 

INT. SICK OLD RICH GUY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

She steps inside, and addresses Tituba. 

MARY SILBEY
That thing that happened in the woods last night can never happen again. 

TITUBA
Ok. 

She turns, and a bunch of Puritans who I think we're supposed to recognize are standing around, presumably also working for the Devil. 

MARY SILBEY
It's time to get shit done, understand? Only by doing vaguely evil things like driving a teenager crazy and convincing our minister to stone a guy can we make sure that Salem is FINALLY OURS! 

RANDOM DEVIL PURITAN
Aren't we in Salem Village? 

MARY SILBEY
NO. We're going to take over SALEM. Because that's what the Devil wants - complete control over a random English settlement with more trees than people. Now join me in an evil laugh! 

They all laugh. Evilly. 

EXT. ABOVE SALEM - NIGHT

The camera swoops above Salem towards the moon that seems to be perpetually full. On this image, we fade to black. 

I may have left out a few key details. It was three in the morning. If this intrigued you, Salem can be watched on WGN America Sundays at 10 PM, and on Hulu + the day after it airs. I know I'll be keeping up.