Narrator: A prologue. Somewhere that may or may not resemble Coney Island at roughly the turn of the century, stands a mysterious and currently unidentified woman with a french accent. Three guesses who she turns out to be.
French Woman: I am here to provide mysterious exposition in an attempt to mirror the opening scene of the first musical. It's not really working.
Fleck: Yes, yes, there's nothing left...
French Woman: Actually there is...it's Coney Island. There's stuff everywhere.
Fleck: Nothing but ghosts...
French Woman: No, really. There's a roller coaster right behind you.
Fleck: But I knew you'd come back...MADAME GIRY!!
[Dramatic Music]
Madame Giry: No kidding. [Sighs] Fleck! The freak from Phantasma, the city of wonders...you're still here!
Fleck: Of course we're still here. The freaks, the monstrous, the bizarre. Where else could we exist but here?
Madame Giry: New Jersey's pretty freaky.
Fleck: That's true.
Madame Giry: Have you ever tried not dressing like a character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Who knows? Maybe you won't be outcasted from society.
Fleck: No! This was his dream! The master's dream! And now it's gone! He's gone! And now, since he disappeared with the child, and a fire randomly consumed everything...
Madame Giry: What?
Fleck: Yeah, the whole fire thing doesn't really get explained. But I'm going to blame it...ON YOU!
Madame Giry: What?
Fleck: Coney Island...Glistening and glittering...rising bright...drenched with light. Every fantasy set free...sun rising by the sea...
Madame Giry: And now I'm going to randomly try to make this into a rock opera!
[Electric Guitars]
Madame Giry: IN THEY CAAAAAAAME!! CHASING SENSATION AND ROMANCE, EYES AFLAAAAAAAAME!! DESPERATE FOR PLEASURES YET UNKNOOOOOOOOOOWN!!!
Fleck: That's the place that you ruined, you fool!
Madame Giry: What, how?
Fleck: I don't know, but for some reason, it's YOUR FAULT!! Let's have a flashback!!
Narrator: Meanwhile, in 1907, which is now inexplicably ten years after 1881...even though it's not...a bunch of random American stereotypes are standing around talking excitedly about Coney Island, and the mysterious attraction "Phantasma" which is totally NOT runned by the Phantom.
Meg Giry: Despite having once had a promising career as the lead dancer in the Corps de Ballet of the Paris Opera House, I'm now a slutty vaudville singer in a cheap freak show put together by a guy who once dropped a corpse in the middle of one of my dances. I'm also randomly in love with him! I'm so in character!
Random Fake New Yorker Girl: Hey girlfriend, our mysterious masked boss is, like, totally into you.
Meg: You think?
Random Fake New Yorker Girl: Like, for sure.
Meg: Then I better sing my hear out for him while acting as slutty and outgoing as possible, despite having been meek and quiet in the first musical! I'm so in character!
Madame Giry: Meg, honey. As your stage mother I'd like to you tell you that you did wonderfully and that some rich guy totally digs you. Also, for some reason I'm still French.
Narrator: Meanwhile, in a secret underground lair, the Phantom is being emo and listening to Evanescence while chatting with a creepy Christine robot.
Christine-bot: THIS COULD HAVE SOME UNFORTUNATE IMPLICATIONS.
Phantom: Shut up! I'm brooding! [Dramatic Sigh] Oh woe is me! Despite the fact that I have not seen her in ten years and I have my own robot version of her at my beck and call, I’m still pining for some random opera singer with no legitimate personality! ONLY THE SUBTLE SOUNDS OF MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE CAN POSSIBLY EXPRESS MY LONGING!! CHRISTINE!!! [Cries in a corner]
Meg: Oh Phantom! Phantom, honey! What did you think about my latest strip tease?
Phantom: Shut up! [Cries]
Meg: But…I inexplicably love you!
Phantom: Too bad!
Meg: Nooooooooo!! [Cries]
Phantom: Christine!! [Cries]
Madame Giry: Oh dear God, someone stop the emo.
Phantom: Wait! Maybe if I bring Christine here, and force her to sing for me again, she’ll suddenly decide she loves me!
Madame Giry: I have a feeling, that probably won’t…
Phantom; It’s brilliant!
Madame Giry: Ok.
Meg: WAAAAAAH!!! [Cries some more]
Madame Giry: I’m supposed to give you some exposition about how Meg and I smuggled you out of France and helped you get on your feet in America, but I really just don’t care.
Phantom: NO ONE CARES!!! [Cries]
Meg: [Cries]
Madame Giry: Whatever.
Narrator: A few months later, Christine and her family disembark with a bunch of other American stereotypes in New York City.
Raoul: I am filled with RAGE!!!
Christine: Why are you so angry, dear? Is it the drinking and the gambling, or the fact that your character got derailed?
Raoul: ALL THREE!!
Christine: There, there, dear. I understand.
Gustave: Mummy, why doesn’t Daddy love me?
Christine: Because he’s not actually you’re fath- I MEAN, he does, dear, you’re just not listening with your heart…or something.
Gustave: Ok.
Narrator: A few hours later…
Phantom: Christine! I have appeared before you to tell you that I am the one who brought you here!
Christine: Gasp! I had no idea!
Phantom: Also, I’m here to remind you about that time we had passionate sex the night before your wedding despite the fact that I rather explicitly said that I couldn’t do that in the first musical.
Christine: Oh, yeah, and I inexplicably fell in love with you despite the fact that you tried to destroy my life and kill my boyfriend.
Phantom: It was kind of a weird night.
Christine: No kidding, you ditched me!
Phantom: What?
Christine: I fell suddenly, madly in love with you and when I woke up the next morning to tell you I wanted to ditch my fiancée and run away with you, you just up and left! What the hell?
Phantom: Oh…well, I was worried you’d reject me.
Christine: What?
Phantom: You know, I’m emo, I thought you’d hate me and reject me like everyone else on Earth because no one understands me and stuff.
Christine: I’d just had sex with you! That’s pretty accepting, if you ask me.
Phantom: I suppose so.
Gustave: Mummy, mummy! I’ve had a convenient nightmare that allows me to be randomly appear in this scene!
Christine: Don’t fret, dear, those happen all the time. This is your father…I MEAN, a friend of mine, Mr. Y.
Phantom: Hello, little boy.
Gustave: He’s creepy…and yet strangely I want to spend the day with him…
Christine: That’s fathers for you.
Gustave: What?
Christine: Nothing! Mr. Y will spend the day with you tomorrow. Now go to sleep. Like, right now.
Gustave: Ok!
Phantom: I’m going to mysteriously disappear now. Have a good night.
Christine: But wait! What about…my song?!
[Dramatic Music]
Narrator: Will Christine ever ever get to sing her song? Will Gustave ever figure out his entire existence is to soften the Phantom’s image so he’s easier to portray as a protagonist? Will Raoul accept his role as undeserving villain? Will Andrew Lloyd Webber ever actually make any money on this? Join us next time to find the answers to almost none of these questions on the next episode of “Phantom: Love Never Dies – The Radioplay!”
TO BE CONTINUED.
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